Dear Erin,
Congratulations once again to you and Ken on the arrival of little Bee — I can’t wait to meet her!
She’s a very lucky girl, you know. I knew on the day I met you that you’d be a wonderful mother. You’re a natural nurturer (you even tucked me into bed, for goodness sakes!), you’re kind and most of all, you have a good sense of fun. I know that you’re going to do just fine, but I still remember those early days of new motherhood. The love that surrounds you and your newly expanded family coupled with the (sometimes many) moments of fear at the unknown future makes for a very confusing time. Plus you’re probably tired. So very, very tired. It makes for a lot of weepy moments. That’s OK.
I want you to remember this: Motherhood is like college, but with stretch marks. Here’s what I mean:
*Once you’re in, it doesn’t matter how you got there
For some people pregnancy is easy, while others struggle with infertility for years. Some women become mothers by adoption or marriage. I imagine there must be some women out there whose birth experience went according to plan or we wouldn’t all spend so much time on our birth plans, but for most of us things don’t always go as planned. It doesn’t matter — once you’re a mom, you’re a mom. Welcome to the club.
*All-nighters will happen (but don’t worry, they don’t last forever)
Ah, the LOUD all-night scream parties and feeding cram sessions. They get old fast. I promise you that they won’t last forever — but until they stop, you will need to nap. I never managed to “sleep while the baby sleeps” — I was way too paranoid that the baby would wake up just as I was falling asleep. So I would ask that my husband or babysitter would guarantee 2 hours where I wouldn’t hear the baby — so they left the house — and then I went to sleep. New mom naps are the best. Enjoy them!
*You can probably get away with wearing your pajamas all day, but you probably shouldn’t
Yes, there are days when you’ve earned the right to wear PJs all day (see “all-nighters” above) but resist the urge. Taking a shower and putting on real clothes can make an incredible difference in your mood. Try to not fall into the PJs trap if you can.
*You can make your closest friends in your freshman year as long as you make the effort
You know how it was so easy to make friends when you started college? It was because everyone was new, nervous and at the same stage of life. Well, the same thing applies in motherhood. The first year of motherhood is a fabulous time to make new friends — so take advantage of it! If that mom at the pediatrician’s office seems nice, ask her if she (and her baby) want to join you (and your baby) for coffee. Make it a point to invite as many cool women as you meet at your mommy and me classes over for a “playdate”. (Here’s the thing — kids can’t really have playdates until they’re four or so. Most playdates for toddlers and babies are for the moms, and that’s OK.) Sometimes I felt like a stalker when I started conversations with any mom that seemed nice at the park, but the effort was well worth it. The women I met that first year of motherhood are some of my closest friends to this day — and have been an incredible source of strength as support as I’ve grown as a mother.
*Your new friends are great, but don’t forget your friends back home!
Yes, I just encouraged you to meet new people, but don’t ignore old friends, especially those that don’t have kids. They love you and want to be a part of your life. Most importantly, they are a connection to your old life — something you will need once you get past the newborn haze. Include them in your new life!
*Expect change
I don’t know about you, but my life today is nothing like what I envisioned when I started college. I was pre-med my freshman year, switched to an English major along the way, and studied abroad in Spain my senior year. I then worked in marketing at a French company, then I went for my MBA … and now I have three kids and write things on the internet for a living. Very few people end up working in what they major in their freshman year, and with good reason — you can’t know what the future holds when you’re young and there’s so much possibility in front of you. So when you’re a new mom and you decide that you’re going to exclusively breastfeed or that you’re going to be the “cool” mom or that your child will only eat organic or whatever it is, keep in mind that life has a way of throwing you curve balls and expect that your plans will change. For example, I’m a fierce advocate for organic food and artificial sweeteners terrify me, but my kids had Gatorade with dinner tonight. Eh, it happens.
Most of all, dear Erin, I want you to remember this: You’ve got this. Trust yourself, take care of yourself, and it will all work out in the end. It really does go by so fast.
(Also, post more pictures, please.)
XOXO
Roxanna