The reunion had been planned for what, six months? A weekend away in Chicago, just our tiny group of women and the many hats we pack in our suitcases: chefs and mothers and designers and musicians. And it sounded perfect.
Until it didn’t sound perfect, and the days grew closer and the nights grew longer. Bee wasn’t sleeping and work wasn’t working and my brain felt like maybe it was on the fritz. I don’t know about electricity, but like maybe a circuit was off (whatever that means), or maybe one of the wires wasn’t transmitting however it is that wires transmit things? I don’t do a lot of science thinking.
And the dates on the calendar I’d circled in bright pink – the most exciting color I could muster – started to pale.
So I did what I thought was the weakest-strongest thing I could do: I cancelled. I sent a heartfelt email to these dear women and I told the truth: I couldn’t gather the strength to show up.
These days, I don’t really try to be strong anymore. I think that perhaps weak-strong is the sweet spot, the place where strong doesn’t mean holding your breath and plowing through, but where strong means that maybe you look really weak while you’re doing it. Like these barre classes I’ve been taking where we flap our arms kind of weird – bird-like – but how crazy hard it hurts after just 20 seconds. “Never underestimate the power of your own body weight,” our blonde trainer shouts, and we keep flapping – amazed at how effortless this looks to an outsider but how hard it is when we’re doing it. How weak it looks, how strong it is.
My reunion gals understood. They celebrated my honesty, and they went on to have a glorious weekend of brunches and hotel chats and maybe white robes, I don’t know. But it wasn’t until one of my girlfriends emailed me when she came home – applauding me for not making up an excuse to cover up the truth – that I realized, yes. That is what we do, isn’t it? We make excuses, attempting to maintain the relationship or avoid hurt feelings or just, you know, peace-make. Sweep it under the rug. “The baby’s sick” and “Work’s been crazy” and the rest of the armor we put on, helmets of excuses, shields of schedules.
Or sometimes, we’re not even strong enough to muster the excuse. We push through and show up – bruised heart, puffed chest – and we come home feeling more battered than rejuvenated. More frazzled than rested. No good to anyone, and certainly not ourselves.
I don’t excel at a lot of things. I never turn down a cheese plate and I can’t carry a tune and I’ll never be the girl to hand craft a flower crown and twirl in a field. But these days, I’m getting really good at weak-strong.
After all, we should never underestimate the power of our own weight.
i’ve been loving & printing out everyone of your most recent posts…you are on a roll! thank you for the inspiration!
i’ve been loving & printing out everyone of your most recent posts…you are on a roll! thank you for the inspiration!
Oh thank you, Jenny! Very kind of you to say!
oh sweet friend, you were so missed, but I love your honesty and your bravery. Saying no is sometimes the hardest thing we can do. xoxo
Oh, you! This was SO long ago! I remember writing it and saving it in drafts for when I was ready to give it all some distance. I missed you ladies so much. :)
This is just what I needed to hear this morning, it hits very close to home right now! Thanks for sharing Erin! You are always so inspiring and real, it’s very refreshing :)
Ah, you’re very kind, Erin!
YES! I just love this and I think it’s so needed. It’s refreshing to ourselves and others when we can just tell the truth. The two “buts” that come to my mind are:
1. If I say to someone “I just can’t handle showing up.” Will that put unnecessary worry in their minds? Is that even my issue?
2. At what point in the timeline does being weak-strong in our minds and actions result in flakiness? What are your feelings on the timing of canceling plans?
I’d really love to get your input. I usually close the window after reading your posts with a resounding yes and feeling inspired. This is the first one where I’m perplexed as to how to move forward and use it in my own life.
Your thoughts?
OMG Katie – I LOOOOOOOOVE these buts! Let’s definitely discuss, yes!
1. I don’t think they’ll be unnecessarily worried because in all honesty, I think everyone’s had those days. Nothing’s wrong; it’s just a struggle to put a few feet in front of the other. Those days are heavy and dark, and I think we can only illuminate them by stating them out loud and accepting them as (hopefully) an anomaly, but a universal one.
2. I HAVE THIS ISSUE ALL OF THE TIME. The “I don’t want to be flaky; I need to be responsible” conundrum. I think this is where grace (with ourselves and also from others) comes in, along with a healthy bit of gentle communication. We’re responsible for stating the truth, I think, but in the kindest way we know how. For me, this looked a lot like clarifying that my lack of ability to show up had nothing to do with how excited I was to see each of them. It was something else, something off, and I just needed to trust that they’d understand. I’m grateful that they did, but I think it’s also important we accept the consequences of those truths. I think certain relationships are stronger than others, so maybe that’s when assessment comes in? Do I trust this person to accept that my intentions here are good; a small step in self-care? Am I willing to accept it if this person does label me as a flake? Am I willing to show up when I AM feeling better to attempt to redeem any resulting hurt feelings?
I don’t know; just thinking out loud here. But those are a few scattered thoughts for now – would love to hear yours!
Thank you for your thoughtful response. And yes!
1. I realized after reading my comment and your response that I was slipping into a familiar tendency of mine. I have a habit of thinking 8 steps ahead and trying to solve problems before they even arise. I’m assuming someone would think more of my comment than they probably would. When really that’s likely not the case and open communication is always the answer.
2. You are right on. The people who love me will not even consider me flaky and will instead send love my way. The people who would be upset will get over it or are perhaps not worth the energy if a grudge is held. And I always have ample opportunities to demonstrate my responsible and reliable side. I love your suggestion of communicating how it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. Because a simple “I’m not coming.” isn’t enough to the people who mean the most to us.
Thank you for having this discussion with me as I have recently experienced this exact situation.
Oh, thank YOU for the thoughtful questions, Katie! Love your heart. :)
This is awesome….and a right on time for me.
Thanks, Glenyse!
Erin–love this. I have finally surrendered to this very real truth, that strength means strong (and that strong does not mean gritting my teeth to grin and bear it) and it has exponentially changed my life and view thereof. Thanks for this! xo
Amen to the non teeth-gritting, yes? :) White knuckles are rarely helpful. :)
Oh, man, I’ve been there. And I’m lucky enough to have a circle of women who understood. Keep flexing those weak-strong muscles, Erin. = )
Thank you, Jamie – I’ll try! ;)
Beautiful post, and so true, how often I have made the excuse, how wonderful and open to be honest. I just can’t right now.
I discovered your blog about a two weeks ago, on a long train journey, now you’re a daily check. Love your writing x
Oh Anna; thank you for your kind words!
Well said!! Sometimes saying no is the best thing we can do for ourselves :)
And, in all areas of life, I so appreciate it when people just skip the excuses.
Thank you, Joyce!!
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the Truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli
Your gorgeous article prime sample to this.
Oh wow, Lietissimo. What a beautiful, touching quote. Thank you, thank you!
Well, I sure like you.
Right back atcha, friend.